It was quite the interesting week in class this week. We had some good class discussion.
On Wednesday we talked about having mothers in the room with a husband and wife during labor and delivery. I never even knew there was research on this topic until class. I never thought much about it until our discussion. We talked in class about how there is a special bond that is formed between father and child and husband and wife during the labor and delivery process. If either of the spouse's mother is present, that bond cannot be allowed to develop as well as it would without her being there. Labor and delivery is an arduous and difficult process. It requires physical strength from the mother and quite possibly even more emotional strength from both the mother and father. It is through this long and difficult process that the bond and relationship between husband and wife can grow and become stronger.
Husbands have the opportunity to step up and be supportive for his wife. They also have an opportunity to bond with their child by being able to witness their first breaths, first cries, cutting the umbilical cord and seeing their newborn child for the first time. For many fathers this is when they gain a real understanding that htey are going to be a parent. Mothers have been carrying this child for nine plus months and have been able to build a special bond with this child in a way that fathers cannot. So when a father supports his wife through the task of childbirth and then gets to finally see and hold his child for the first time, there is a special bond that begins to form.
When there is a third party involved in the experience, such as the mother of either of the spouses, these bonds are not able to form as strong or be strengthened as much as if they could without the presence of the third party. Husband and wife rely less on each other when there is someone else there and the tender moments that are shared between husband, wife and child are now being shared with another person. The new life of a child is something that is created between a husband and wife, not husband, wife and in-laws.
I liked talking about this subject and being made aware of it because I will be faced with this decision in August. My mom will be in town before I have my baby and I know that she wants to be supportive and help me. But after our class discussion, I think it is important that the experience is something that is shared between my husband and I.
We also talked about spanking....(insert ominous music here). It quickly became quite the heated discussion. It is pretty well known within the marriage and family studies field that spanking is ineffective. Until this semester I have been fairly unopinionated about the topic, not giving it much thought. But in my parenting class we are reading a book called "Unconditional Parenting" by Alfie Kohn. In this book the author takes a bold stand against the traditional parenting tactics that have been employed by parents for genereations. The major point or theme of the book is that for so many parenting generations, parents have tried discipline tactics that are only effective to fix behavior short term. Kohn argues that traditional parenting allows the parent to get their child to do what they want right now. It doesn't do much to foster a strong relationship of trust and love between parent and child and doesn't do much to help teach long term principles to children.
That is what I think spanking is. The child is not learning anything from being spanked except that they don't like to be hit by mom and dad. Rarely does a young child connect being spanked with the action that their parent thought they were doing wrong. It is a reaction from the parent usually out of frustration or anger. All the child has learned now is that they don't want to be caught doing something because it brings them pain. They don't learn what is wrong or why a certain action or behavior is bad.
A girl in class made the comment (or implied) that people who don't have children don't understand and when they do have kids they will realize that there is no other option but to spank. I know that it is easier to parent someone elses child. I know that parenting is not easy and there will be many a times when children can push your buttons and make you so frustrated that you don't know what to do. But I don't think that in any way justifies you spanking your child. They are children, they want to explore and try new things. Just because it is obvious to you that their behavior is wrong and they are "acting up" doesn't mean they understand that what they are doing is bad. They know you said "No", but they don't always understand why. Parents spank their children for being children, but never stop to put themselves in their shoes. Haim Ginott was a child psychologist and parent educator in the 60's and 70's. One of his concepts or teachings is that parents should treat their children like they do their guests. If a guest of yours broke something that was fragile, would you swat them on the butt? If a guest of yours touched something they knew was valuable or breakable, would you spank them and reprimand them? Too often parents dont think of their children as their equals. Our children are sons and daughters of God that have been entrusted to us. They are our brothers and sisters and are just as special and important as we are. Heavenly Father doesn't parent by using harsh punishments that inflict physical pain. Often we experience those things as a result of natural consequences. But if we were ever doing something we knew wasn't right in God's eyes, he would intentionally inflict pain on us that wasn't already a natural consequence. Heavenly Father parents with love and patience, regardless of how we act or behave. We too should treat our children the same way.
